I almost titled this post “The Pirate in My Pocket,” but then realized that could be a serious double entendre. But I digress… I admit it. It’s me. Uh oh.
If you’ve read any of my many dissertations on pirates, you’ll know I don’t see them as cheerful scallywags, out for adventure. Johnny Depp notwithstanding, pirates were, and continue to be, among the lowest forms of human existence.
I’ve tried to a write story about gentlemanly pirates, high on bon homme but low on the ne’er do wells, but couldn’t get it to work. That’s because pirates are bad, bad, baaaaad people. Anyone who cuts down innocent sailormen and passengers for their worldly possessions is beneath the wasted breath of reproach, regardless of their cheerful demeanor. There. I’ve said it.
For the last few months I’ve gotten garbled text messages that end with a URL. I mentioned them to someone at work, who said he got the same stuff, and they’re usually porn sites. Of course one would never click on that. Just delete and go about your day, citizen.
Imagine my surprise, then, to receive a text that simply said “stop” upon my slim little smart phone. Then came one that said “I’m hiring a private investigator.”
That’s when I spotted the pirate – it’s me! I’ve been boarded by thieves that are using my cell phone to send out piratical messages to innocent people all over the place! I can’t believe I could be the perpetrator of so heinous an act, and yet the evidence is overwhelming.
This is a new phone, your honor. I upgraded from my slowly dying Android phone to this snappy fellow in June of 2020 (ah, 2020, you say – ‘nough said, am I right?). When I got this slim black chappy, so thrilled was I to use the stylus that I neglected to load antivirus software. Tee hee. Silly me.
Rather invited the pirates aboard, you say, your honor? ‘Twas an honest mistake, milord, and never did I see ’em come in.
Abolish them this minute, you say. Aye aye, says I – although it’s easier said than done, because, as you have witnessed, I am a halfwit, technologically speaking.
Three hours and many swear words later, I think I’m gaining the upper hand on these rogues. Should you get a text from me, ignore it, I implore you, for ’tis not me, but the pirates in my cell phone!
Avast, ya swabbies…